Thoughts on Integrity
Starting this post with a promise (duh). I promise myself that this topic and the work on integrity will be the most important work I do in my life.
No bullshit.
As I write this, my intention is to challenge myself and you, the reader, with the content.
You down?
To be quite honest, this is a big one for me. Taking on the topic of integrity, while in the process of my own integrity work is vulnerable and naturally bigger than I could ever fully meet.
As a result of taking on this task, I am going to begin with an example of the challenge of integrity that is very close to home.
The Challenge
I want to get started on integrity with some views and a story from my own perspective.
As with most development and intentional growth work, the process of living in integrity is really fucking hard. You’ll see me type that often. Yet once you see the value of your own wholeness, you realize that there truly is no other way.
The most difficult thing, in my eyes, with living in integrity, is the need to soothe ourselves within uncomfortable situations. If i had a nickel for every time I have jeopardized or sacrificed my values or desires for the sake of not feeling shitty about making someone else sad, I would be rich enough to hire someone to write all this for me.
What is crazy about that statement is that I can never actually know, for sure, how someone else feels. Every effort I have ever made to please, or satisfy, or soothe, or make happy has been a projection of my own beliefs onto that person.
Stick with me here… Every time i have put aside my own integrity or values for the sake of trying to make someone else happy was actually me just doing what I thought I needed to do to feel better about myself, according to my own projections of what would make someone else happy.
I soothe my own discomfort by discarding my own integrity. Yea, it’s nuts right?
Here is my example: My mom is always depressed. To make a very long and complex story short, she is not happy with the state of her life and makes sure her children know that it is partly their fault, since they left and no longer pay the same attention to loving her.
Sound familiar?
As a result of this state, I spent a lot of time, for a long time, in conversations or going out of my way to make her a little bit happier.
Now most people would read this and be like, “Yea dude, she’s your mom, you’re supposed to do that.”
Bullshit.
This is a cop out, obligatory, potentially even co-dependent way of thinking. I am not dismissing the importance of your relationship with your mother. At all.
I am, however, saying there are many other truths to consider, and invite anyone to bring those in for discernment, prior to making a blanket judgement like “you’re supposed to do that.”
Here is how i see it: Every time I do something out of my own value system or purpose that I believe makes my mother happy is me soothing my own discomfort with my mother’s depression. It is not my responsibility to make her happy and it never was. I am not responsible for her feelings.
Every time i get into a conversation because i project that it makes her happy to talk to me is a drain on my energy, a choice I’m making not to live in my purpose or give my gifts, a waste of my talents, and a blatant cover up at my own discomfort at the idea that I may be a cause of my mother’s sadness.
Be brave enough to disappoint the people you love for the sake of your own integrity.
The rest of this will dive into why…
The Möbius Strip
My last article was about Accountability (check it out if you haven’t yet) and I have had this nagging need to write about integrity, more deeply, since publishing.
To me, integrity is aligning one’s actions, words, and thoughts with their deepest values and intentions. It involves living with authenticity, honesty, and accountability. It involves being in true wholeness with yourself, at all times.
Another definition I found is the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished. Notice that none of this hones in on ethical responsibility or morality. Those are important, of course, but I believe you fall short of true integrity if you’re just out there trying to “do the right thing.”
There’s more to it. There’s a depth of self that integrity demands.
A deliberate effort and practice of understanding ourselves, our values, and evaluating how the actions of our being align to what we consciously strive to be in our highest self.
Words to consider here are maturity, self-awareness, honesty, trustworthy, and compassionate.
In fact, the commitment of integrity begins with self-awareness and introspection.
It encourages individuals to examine their values, beliefs, and motivations to gain a deeper understanding of themselves. The most effective tool I have read about in working on integrity is Parker Palmer’s Life on the Möbius Strip.
I will let you watch but also want to preface the remainder of this post with a few questions and thoughts pertaining to this work.
“I do not know who coined the phrase “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better,” but he or she must have had a great fantasy life. In sixty-five years on earth, my pattern has never been onward and upward. It has always been up and down and back around. I follow the thread of true self faithfully for a while. Then I lose it and find myself back in the dark, where fear drives me to search for the thread once again.”
— from A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward An Undivided Life.
For Consideration
Some questions to start considering:
How have your internal desires or motivations helped form or deform your external world?
How has your external world and influences flowed inward and formed or deformed your life?
What does this tell you about your own journey to true, radically honest wholeness?
Picture this: you’re in a dimly lit room, alone with your thoughts. It’s just you, your raw vulnerability, and the flickering flame of truth. Take a good, hard look at yourself.
What makes you tick?
What drives you?
What are the values you hold dear?
It’s time to strip away the masks, the pretenses, and the shiny veneer of bravado we sometimes put on to impress others.
Who are you at your core?
What sets your soul on fire?
These are just some of the considerations to be asking along the journey to wholeness. One thing that I believe is incredibly important in this process is to maintain a healthy sense of self-compassion.
As mentioned, this work is not easy and is not for the faint hearted. If you are having trouble answering these questions and sitting with the many considerations along the process of discovering and living in integrity, guess what that makes you?
Yup… human.
Never forget that self-compassion for simply being a flawed, working, evolving human is always available to you.
The Filters
Integrity is all about about showing up in the world as our true selves. But what the actual fuck does that even mean? How can we come to know our true selves?
Truth be told, this is some of the most important work we can do. It takes some serious effort, filled with presence, focus, reflection, radical honesty, and on-going deliberate practice. Before continuing, take a pause here. Are you ready for this work?
For me, when I come out of each dedicated self-awareness session, focused on what true, authentic self really means, I am inevitably faced with my light and shadow, alike.
I have to face the things I love about myself and build humility while also facing the nasty ass things I don’t love about myself and build acceptance.
It is in this building that I come to better understand who I am, what I want, and what I am on this earth to do. Integrating our reflected on thoughts, words, and actions is vital for creating congruence.
What are your values?
What is your purpose?
These are core questions to living in integrity as they help provide a filter for decisions, evaluation of experiences, and on-going steps in refining our view of what makes us whole. Also, to note, these take some serious time and effort to land on, so do yourself a favor and give these questions some thought.
Brene Brown has a great list of values that she discusses in her book Dare to Lead, and in her podcast. I recommend taking some time to sit down and really understand to what core values you subscribe. Then, once you think you know, take a few minutes to compare your believed core values to how you spent your time over the past few days.
Do the values you say you have match up with how you spend your time? Be radically honest here because in an effort to understand and live in your integrity, it makes no sense to value one thing and live other things.
Perhaps, in an effort to define values, a good parallel exercise is to start to understand your purpose.
Purpose is another essential component to living in integrity. What work, people, service, etc brings you into alignment? Where are you in flow?
What are your talents?
What do you need?
What gives you energy?
What drains it?
Are you aware of a way of living that incorporates your talents, meets your deepest needs and values, prevents you from draining energy, and gives you life force as you pursue?
There is much more to get into regarding finding and pursuing purpose, so I will pause in my preaching here and open the door for you to begin (or continue) this work on your own.
Defining our purpose and understanding our core values can be immensely valuable tools in our journey to living in wholeness and integrity. It is through these filters that we can analyze the things we say, the ways we act, and the decisions we make for the sake of evolving ourselves into integral beings.
Living in Integrity
Now that we have a better understanding of ourselves (and to be clear, this is a life long effort of continuous reflection and evolving understanding) we have to gauge that concept of wholeness. Integrity is about aligning words and thoughts with actions and letting those actions speak louder than any fancy speeches or empty rhetoric.
There is no hiding from this. Wholeness is something we feel or don’t feel. In addition to what we feel about ourselves, people we engage with can also energetically feel our bullshit. They know we’re full of it because they feel our misalignment. So we better get good at feeling it for ourselves or risk the eternal embarrassment of others knowing us better than we do.
Here’s the revelation: integrity is not just about being honest with others; it’s about being radically honest with yourself. It’s about peering into the depths of your soul and confronting the shadowy corners where you may have strayed from your true path.
Are you living up to your own standards? Are you walking the talk?
If not, It’s time make the most important change of your life. No more self-deception. No more lying to yourself. No more putting up with your own bullshit and misalignment.
It’s time to get to know, accept, and love your most authentic self.
Showing Up
Being consistent and aligned in how you show up in different areas of your life fosters trust and credibility. Are you staying true to what you believe in? If not, it’s time to step up and take ownership of your actions.
And let’s not forget accountability. It’s a cornerstone of integrity. We all mess up from time to time, and that’s okay. But owning up to our mistakes, learning from them, and making amends — that’s where the magic happens. It’s about taking responsibility for the impact we have on others and striving to do better every single day.
Now, I know it’s not always easy to maintain your integrity in a world that sometimes seems hell-bent on dragging you down. But guess what? You have the power to rise above the noise, to be a beacon of authenticity in a sea of people struggling to get there.
And one more thing: integrity isn’t just about you — it’s about the impact you have on those around you. By embodying integrity, you inspire others to do the same. For more on this, study the concept of differentiation, as it relates to family systems theory.
Look, it takes work. Integrity is a complex, life long effort to understand, accept, live in, and refine. You will struggle. I have struggled. There will be pain and disappointment. There will be people who get pissed off at you for being an asshole or changing because they can’t be curious enough or have the space to understand who you are at your deepest, most authentic self.
It is some of our most important work to cultivate our own integral way of being. To live in wholeness with ourselves. This is going to be tough for people who haven’t committed the way you have to understand what is going on.
It will be even more difficult as it is not our job to explain, fix, or make them understand. We just need to embody the work. Embody the integrity that we work so hard to know for ourselves.
Remember, integrity isn’t a one-time thing — it’s a lifelong commitment. So, gear up, strap in, and get ready for the wildest, most difficult, most authentic, and most rewarding ride of your life.
